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Sat, Feb. 23rd, 2013, 12:59 pm
Long time no post.

Hello everyone,
I know it has been over a year since I posted. Reasons being that on March 9th, I lost my father to cancer. LJ had been a place where I had taken my frustrations out with his situation. Guilt over my words really plagued me. I couldn't really deal with the pain of him gone. I still can't. I can only try to move on.

I miss him so much. I am relieved he is no longer suffering. I wish he was still here.

All of these conflicting feelings. It is a lot to deal with.

"You never get over it, you just accept it." My grandma told me this recently.

Its hard. Not hearing his laugh, his stupid jokes, him chiding me about not being girlish, his voice that would echo when he wanted something, and the goofy ass smile he had. All of these things I can only have in my heart and my mind now.

That's where they'll stay. I can't forget, the thoughts and memories of him are sealed there. I am the proof that he lived. That he once walked on this earth. With his stupid dummy greeting people.

Its easier to remember him that way. The waking up in the middle of the night to change his diaper, changing his feeding tube. Picking him up an carrying him to his wheel chair, these things could tarnish the image I had of him. but, through out it all we smiled and joked. Even the night before when he said he wanted help with his physical therapy the next day. "You just rest, We'll see tomorrow how you feel." The last words I said to him. Echo in my mind.

A few days before he said to me. "I love you girls." talking to me, mom and Rebecca. I couldn't say it back. I choked. I felt like he was trying to say good-bye. So I wouldn't say it back. I could only squeeze his hand and chide him that it didn't make me forgive him for throwing stale oatmeal into the fire place.

I can only hope that he knew. The way I wanted to cheer him up. That was my "I love you too."

We often butted heads and even fought. As a kid he really wasn't nice very nice to me. But at the end of the day, he was my dad. He struggled and worked as hard as he could to make sure we didn't go without. Maybe that's what made him as hard as he was. I can only fault the both of us for being too similar.

I am my father's daughter.

Mon, Feb. 6th, 2012, 03:46 pm

Bucket list

1. McDonald's #1 with sweet tea
2. Indian lunch buffet at Mint
3. Get room cleaned out
4. Finish Final Fantasy XIII-2
5. Catch up on Gintama
6. Watch all of Sengoku Basara + Movie
7. Get most of my stuff a good home
8. Tell my sister what I really think about her.
9. Get laid (Still iffy on this one)
10. Banquet with friends
11. Serious letter to DA & Hiro
12. See the ocean

Mon, Feb. 6th, 2012, 11:41 am

I decided this is a nightmare.

Mon, Feb. 6th, 2012, 11:07 am

Not that you all want to read this.

So the gist of the situation is that my Grandmother has been deemed "unfit" to live by herself. So she is going to come live here. The problem is that there really isn't anywhere for her to be. So my sister is going to try and move to another house but tells us how much of a problem it is for her. So they all decided my grandmother is going to live here. The problem is that there isn't anywhere for her here. So, it was decided that I will move out of my room. I have to get rid of everything. They won't let me move out. Now I don't have a room, I don't own anything, I have no reason to live. I can't do this. I really can't.

Why didn't I die that day? Why can't I kill these feelings? I want to be happy. I want to not wake up regretting everyday I'm breathing. I think "If I'm dead, then everyone can split up my stuff and they don't have to worry about where to put me."

I need a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now everything is black.

Mon, Sep. 5th, 2011, 04:25 am
the point of no return?

Ok.... So.... I'm sure you've heard but, I'm REALLY obsessed with SBR (Sengoku Basara). I want to go home so I can play it... HOW SAD IS THAT?

I miss my friend, I miss my cat, I miss my car.


On another note. I'm going to try to stay on Japan time at least until the year is over.

I'm going to go to the gym when I get home. It's easier for me if I go to one of the 24 hour ones and use it at my leisure.

I lost 15 pounds in Japan. I don't want to gain it back.

Thu, Sep. 1st, 2011, 12:39 am
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻


(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

I don't live in Japan.

My life is over

I wish I had listened to the voice inside my head that kept screaming "GO TO TGS! GO TO TGS!" Utage is having a special stage performance. Also playable demos.

Project Diva is going to have limited edition crap.


*slamming head into table*

Sun, Aug. 28th, 2011, 01:12 am

02 Virgin Emotion
03 Only the love survive
08 Piano solo
09 balearic GHOST
13 Higher Than Dark Sky
14 瞳ノ翼 (Hitomi no tsubasa)
15 Catch the Rainbow 2011 (Pray for Japan Version)
16 Share The Love
18 Doubt & Trust ?ダウト&トラスト?
19 夢を見たいから
20 biologic engine
21 Ride Up For The Shiny Way

Sun, Aug. 28th, 2011, 01:00 am
Set lists

8.11 Nakano Sunplaza (Tokyo)
Sweet Silence
Misty Heartbreak
Bright Sight
DA solo (included the song robots)
Balertic ghost
777 (trois seven)
inner cycle
stay my love
Shadow over the world
sequence meditation
hung me for the distance
dream runner
ozone in the native
Catch the rainbow
Share the love
Soul Dynamite
Doubt & Trust
Yume wo mitai kara
biologic engine
Ride up for the Shiny way
Look ahead

8.12 Nakano Sunplaza
Real at Night
Realtime Lover
High & scream
Fly high, Fly away, in comer android,
Grand muse
DA solo
Pink Juncktion
Stoned Merge
fairy snow
Kiss my A-soul
balertic ghost
try again
Catch the rainbow
Share the love
Soul Dynamite
Doubt & Trust
Yume wo mitai kara
biologic engine
Ride up for the Shiny way
Look ahead

8.20 Kobe international hall (Kobe)
Tear's liberation
Moonshine Dance
Wild in the desert
Sensual Glide
endless summer
gone too soon
Hot cruising night
DA solo
balaretic ghost
Keep it
live goes on
I sing every shine for you
sequence meditation
Catch the rainbow
Share the love
Soul Dynamite
Doubt & Trust
Yume wo mitai kara
biologic engine
Ride up for the Shiny way
Look ahead

8.21 Aichi Arts center (Nagoya)
Decade & XXX
Naked Desire
Summer Night Breezer
Drastic Mermaid
Especially Kiss
DA Solo
aoi nami
night wave
against the rules
S-mile generation
Catch the rainbow
Share the love
Soul Dynamite
Doubt & Trust
Yume wo mitai kara
biologic engine
Ride up for the Shiny way
Look ahead

and I'll look up the fussa set list.

Fri, Jul. 15th, 2011, 08:21 am
A normal state of being...

Life seems like a blur since school started. I blinked and it's already mid July. My grandmother's condition has gotten worse and she refuses to go to a home. She wants everyone to move there to help her. The probably is, no one wants to. So the task has fallen to me. I am leaving for Clayton on Wed. I'm going to be there until the 5th. I plan to go to Japan on the 8th and come back on the 25th then I have to go back to Clayton. Possibly, forever. I haven't told mom about Japan yet.

I was told that I'm being selfish. Am I? I suppose it is in a way. My family needs me but, I'm scared that this is how my life is.

If I am forced to actually move to Clayton... I will kill myself.

I want my own life...

I'm so tired of being guilt tripped for wanting to move on. Being told "Just go and don't care about us!"

I'm sick of being terrified that my mom is going to beat me when I tell her I'm going to Japan. I'm so tired of hiding my passport out of fear if my mom finds it she will rip it up...

I just want... To be myself. I want to get a job and have a normal life.

Sun, May. 22nd, 2011, 08:57 am
I wasn't raptured!


School is over and I wasn't raptured. Which means... I get to clean my room today! YAAAY I need to put clothes away and start sorting through stuff again. I'm actually quite excited. It feels like I've been stuck in a time warp. All the calendars in my room were still on march/april. Well looks like it's time to buy myself a birthday present! ^___^ laters!



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